Thirty Something London

Sex, is All Around

I’m a very open-minded person, it takes a lot to shock me. Whether it be a sick, un-PC, dirty joke told in really bad taste …….. Or one of those famed forwarded emails from my best friend that I know I shouldn’t open at the risk of my computer being riddled with viruses – but do anyway resulting in me asking the question, “Is there any way you un-see things?”

Sex, Really is All Around

Sex is all around us making it incredibly accessible in this day and age. The expectations of making love and waiting for the right time are slowly being dissolved by the pressures of “hook up” apps and sex sites.

For a lot of us busy Londoners we feel that we don’t have time to have a real relationship, yet naturally we still crave the intimacy of someone (if, only for just an evening). So, I wanted to see what all the fuss is about. I wanted to know whether it really is just that easy to click your fingers and wait on your bed, spread-eagled like a Hustler centrefold….. So, I decided to try out a sex site.

Fitting the Profile

When I first go onto the site I realise most of it’s based on physical appearance, whether that be a naked, headless body or the subtle image of a lonesome vagina (some with a dildo, some without). Is that how my profile’s supposed to be? Am I just supposed to take a photo solely of my penis? How would they recognise me if we met? Would I have to pull my pants down for her to say “ok, yep, your story checks out”.

I’m a very confident person, but even I couldn’t imagine standing in front of a mirror with a straight face as I strategically try to take a naked selfie for a bunch of randoms to see on some website.

My profile ends up being a mish-mash of a normal photo with me explaining that I’ve been single for a while and am just trying the site out.

Right, ladies, form an orderly queue.

It’s a Jungle Out There!

After a week of trawling through a jungle of breasts and vaginas looking for someone who might have a bit of personality I notice a common theme (apart from the breasts and vaginas). Most women are straight to the point and don’t want any messages from men that just have naked selfies as their profile picture (thank god I deleted those).

There is so much variety in terms of what floats people’s boats these days. Just reading about married women wanting their husband to watch and take photos to “public places only” type fetishes made me stop and wonder how great it is that people don’t care what other people think. This is what they want to do and they’re happy to advertise it until they find somebody who likes to do the same thing knowing they won’t be judged.

What To Do, What To Do?

Like my first internet dating experience there are lots of winks, favourites and messages. This time the messages are a lot more explicit, obviously. It’s hard to tell whether they are real people or whether some dodgy old man has stolen a pic off a porn site and is just trying to exploit people.

I ignore the majority.

Someone a little more interesting does pop up though. A woman in her thirties sends me an honest message about how she has been single for over a year and although she’s not looking for anyone serious, she’s looking for someone who makes her laugh to get down and dirty with. There’s no photo of her face, but she does have an incredible body.

Her message is full of spelling mistakes and simple grammatical errors, one of my biggest turn-offs. I decide to respond and at least give her a chance. She responds with a similarly terrible message asking me questions without question marks, your instead of you’re and their instead of they’re. I decide to put that to one side and figure that most people aren’t here for the stimulating conversation.

The conversation isn’t really flowing, but the question of meeting does finally come up. I don’t know if I really want to meet with someone whose face I haven’t even seen yet, so I pose the question.
“Why don’t you have any photos of your face?”
“A lot of people from my work are on this site and I don’t want to be seen, I can email them to you if you’d like?” she responds.

From her work? Where the hell does she work? Did all of her workmates get a discount? Did they receive some sort of sex promotional code as a bonus this month?

The email comes through with the pics and her name is different to that of the one on the site (alarm bells) and her face……. I’m 90% sure she was a man. My friends point out  that her Adam’s Apple didn’t look very feminine anyway.

It ended with a simple “thanks, but no thanks”.


So, it ended up taking a lot more time and effort than I expected, and despite being thrown into a jungle of breasts and vaginas, the only person that really courted me had a penis. Go figure.

Would I recommend it? If that’s your sole purpose and you have the time to do it properly, then I am sure you will eventually find what it is you’re looking for…… If you’re lucky – you might even get a little bit more than what you expected.

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Thirty Something London