Everyone understands that a breakup affects you emotionally, but I thought it would be funnier to give you an insight into the wonderful world of how a break up affects your body physically.
Let’s start from the top and work our way down.
Drastic times call for drastic measures. Cut it off, extend it, bleach it, shave it off, put it up in curlers or straighten it. Getting a haircut to make yourself feel warmer and fuzzier inside is paramount after a break up. Sitting in the chair and saying to your hairdresser, “just do whatever you want” gives you such a sense of liberation…… Until your hairdresser says “ta-da!”, presenting you with your brand new bright pink mohawk.
Obviously your eyes are going to take a beating after all of the crying, whilst your nose will be more red than Rudolph’s. Stock up on those aloe vera laced tissues and try to stay away from the “Lisa Loeb greatest hits” album as much as you can.
Your ears will be subjected to all of the cliché bollocks your friends will feed you like “change is good”, whilst you’ll definitely get more wrinkles from all of the frowning, so best you be moisturising twice a day just in case.
You’re probably thinking that I’m going to drone on about the heart “breaking”. Alas, no. I’d rather alert you to about the constant dangers of cholesterol causing angina from all of the cake, burgers, chocolate and lard you’ll inhale to help you get through it.
The chain smoking. Oh, the chain smoking. The best thing about chain smoking is that you’re also effecting your teeth, tongue, fingers and throat. Good for you! If you’re going to abuse your body – you might as well do it properly.
I don’t need to tell you that the excessive drinking will make your liver look like it went on a date with Chris Brown.
Not leaving the house and having Domino’s on speed dial means that investing in a pair of gym trousers would probably be a smart idea. Naturally your bum is also going grow, whilst you’ll probably also hear your thighs rubbing against each other before too long.
Get a massage! Pamper yourself – you deserve it. Get a “full body” so that you can look after your feet and shoulders too. Even splash out and get a happy ending. Why not? You’re single. Nobody will know apart from you……. And Mrs Chan, the masseuse, of course.
Well, my knuckles got a bit of a workout from punching inanimate objects (my bedroom wall hates me). And my middle finger got a huge workout from sticking it up at people more often than usual due to my permanent glorious mood.
Depending on how good your relationship is – you’ll either be A) getting ridiculously more action now that you’re single and trying to replace the love for lust with everything that moves. Or B) nothing, now that you’re permanently sporting a pair of gym trousers and the only human contact you have is with Ahmed, the Domino’s delivery boy.
Well, there is the chance that they might be sore after praying or begging your ex to come back… Or from kneeing them in the groin. Either way.
It’s not all doom and gloom when it comes to how a breakup affects your body as many of us hit the gym to make ourselves feel better. This effects your wardrobe too as with your muscles increasing or weight decreasing you’ll need to invest in new clothes that actually fit…. Unless you’re going for that tight/loose fit. In my opinion it’s probably best to stay active, give yourself something physical to do to help you take your mind off everything emotionally that’s happened. And if that is the case, try not to break down and cry in the gym – you’ll be making a scene and it’s not a good look.
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