Thirty Something London

Drunk Arsehole Tells Friends: “Woman Must Be a Lesbian Or Something” After She Rejects His Advances

man drinking pint

Local East Croydon tit, Tony Collins of has been unsuccessfully hitting on women  in a central London bar all night.

Tony’s technique varies from telling a woman she has a “nice arse” to asking whether he can buy her a “Jaeger Bomb”. So, we can all see where he’s going wrong when it comes to the opposite sex.

After a few drinks, Tony works up the courage to leave his mates’ booth and try his luck with Helen, a mousey blonde from Sydenham who’s at the bar about to order a drink.

“Let me guess, lager?” Tony asks Helen.
“No, ummmm vodka, lime and soda.” Helen awkwardly responds.
“No, that’s what I thought you were going to buy me.” Tony responds whilst belting out a wheezing laugh.
“Haha. Nice one.” Helen responds as she cranks her neck towards her friends with a “come and save me”  look on her face.

Awkward silence fills the air whilst Helen waits for her drink to be served and Tony glugs back the rest of his pint.

“So, you’re pretty hot. Much better than your mates.” Tony blurts out as Helen feels his beer breath smack her in the face like a bat.
“Yeah, look I’m really just here to celebrate a friend’s promotion and I’m not really interested.” Helen politely responds.
“Whatever, I don’t care anyway. You’re all the bloody same.” Tony says as he cough/burps up some of his pint.

The barman serves Helen her drink. She flashes Tony an awkward smile and heads over to her friends.

Tony heads back to his mates to a collective “what happened with her, mate?”
“Nothing. I don’t know what her bloody problem is……… She must be a lesbian or something.” Tony slurs out to his mates as he slides into the booth with his mates.

Of course she is Tony……. It has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with her sexuality.

Don’t forget, this is satire and totally written to laugh at ourselves and the kinds of colourful personalities we deal with when dating. It’s not written to offend anyone. If you did laugh and can relate – don’t forget to share it on Facebook and Twitter using the share buttons. Thanks for reading as always, Jordi.



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