Thirty Something London

Being the Break Up Advice Guy

A friend of mine was deeply intrenched in the honeymoon period with his latest love interest. For 2 months all I heard was, “Jane and I like the same tea, isn’t that amazing?” Or, “You should have heard what Jane said last night – it was hilarious….. Nevermind, you wouldn’t get it anyway because you weren’t there”. Oh, that wacky Jane – she sounds like a keeper.

Anyway, this friend and I were sitting outside in a beer garden when his phone rang. He  gets up and walks away with the phone to his ear as I brave the bar for another round of drinks. When I came back with the drinks he was still on the phone with a serious look on his face, which is never a good sign. When he finally gets off the phone, the first thing he says is, “It’s over”.

I was now the official break up advice guy.

I head straight back to the bar and order 2 shots of vodka. I order 2 more. Then 2 more. I was now ready to listen. He had my full undivided, drunken attention.

Now, I’m not one of those people who forces all of those cliché post break-up words of comfort upon somebody. My friend needed a dose of  unsubtle reality beaten into him, not somebody patting him on the back saying “there there, there there”.

So, What Actually Happened?

“So, tell me what happened?” I ask. “Well, everything was going great, I had no idea she felt this way” he responds.
“Really? Are you sure everything was going great?” I add.
He pauses. I know straight away that the little hamster in his brain is working overtime on that wheel trying to look back and see if there were any signs.
After about 30 seconds he pipes up again, saying, “I guess she wasn’t as responsive with her texts as much as she used to be”.
“Right, that’s a sign” I say.
“Oh, and she wasn’t returning my calls as often” he added.
“Ummmmm, that’s also a pretty strong sign” I say.
He takes a big gulp of ice-cold cider and adds, “Like last week for instance when she didn’t respond for 2 days and then when I called her back she said she’d forgotten“.
“She forgot to call you for 2 days? Sorry. So for 2 days she was wandering around going I’m sure I was supposed to do something, but can’t quite remember what?” I ask.

“I’m going to call her back right now and rip her a new one” he snarles. My idea of dosing him up with those vodka shots seems to have backfired as I don’t think she really needs a new one – let alone one to be ripped for her.

Being the Break Up Advice Guy

“You could make an arse out of yourself and hurl abuse at her….. Or or orrrrrrrrr….. You could just leave it for now and let it breathe” I suggest.

The shots start to kick in as we order what are soon to be our last drinks. He stares into his cider as if it contains some magic  fortune-telling tea leaves.

“I could just go over to her house.” He suggests.
“And what, throw stones at her window and get her to come out? I ask.
“I just want her to know how I feel.” Adding after a short pause “That’s it, I’m calling her.”
“Don’t call her, you’ll only make things worse.” I firmly tell him.

I hate being the break up advice guy – people don’t take the advice, especially whilst drinking.

“Fine, I’m going to the toilet” he says.

I know straight away that he’s going to call her, but he’s an adult and what can I do, tie him to a piece of old garden furniture?

So, 10 minutes pass and he finally comes back with a sheepish look on his face.

“You called her, didn’t you?” I ask. “Maybe” he responds.
“Didn’t go very well, did it?” I hint.
He races into the story shaking his head saying, “Well I started yelling at her because she was being so unfair…… and…..”
“And what? I ask
“And….. She…… She…….. She ripped me a new one” he spits out.

We look at each other and can’t help but burst out into hysterics.


STOP! Been stuck in a similar situation as the “break up advice guy” or just laughed at my expense? Either way don’t forget to share this post on Facebook or Twitter below. Thanks for reading! Jordi





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