Thirty Something London

A 9 Step Guide to Being a Terrible Boyfriend

Terrible boyfriend stock

In my twenties I graduated from “Terrible Boyfriend University”…… With honours.

And, if it wasn’t for excelling on that training ground in my twenties, I wouldn’t have learned what it takes to be a good boyfriend today. But, if you are striving to graduate from “Terrible Boyfriend University” (with honours) you will need to hone some of these very important skills.

1. Side With Someone She’s Having an Argument With

This is a great way to earn yourself some silent treatment. You’re lying in bed listening to her talk for the last half hour about a fight she’s having with a friend. All you can think the whole time is how her friend’s in the right. The moment of truth comes when she asks “So, isn’t she unbelievable?”. You stick to your morals and tell her she’s wrong. Expect daggers, but not sex.

2. Don’t Follow Through With Any Promises

“You said you’d do the guttering 4 weeks ago”. Ah, the guttering – everyone’s favourite chore.

They’ll generally ask you whilst they’re cleaning up around you as to make you feel even worse. If you really want to be a terrible boyfriend you’ll wait until the point where your girlfriend gets so fed up and ends up doing it herself. Hey, but at least you won’t have to do the guttering for a while.

3. Forget An “Important” Date

“You know what today is, right?” your girlfriend asks whilst staring at you with big doe eyes.

Ah, shit. What have you forgotten now? Probably some random anniversary you didn’t even know about. Forgetting something random is generally fine, you shouldn’t get into too much trouble. But, forget a birthday or anniversary and you are officially in the upper echelon of terrible boyfriends.

4. Seek Praise After Completing Tasks

So, you did the vacuuming. What an amazing boyfriend you are. Sure, you only did it after the sixth time of asking – but that’s not the point – the point is you actually did it.

Now it’s time to prance over to your girlfriend and tell her you did the vacuuming seeking praise. She’s just done the washing, ironing, dishes and that guttering you were supposed to do – without being asked six times to do any of it. Expect steam to come out of her ears.

5. Be Indifferent

Nothing turns a woman on more than not really caring about anything.

“What do you want to do tonight?” She asks.

“Eh, whatever, I don’t really care.” You reply.

If you want to be a really terrible boyfriend – never organise anything at all.

That’s the spirit.

6. Answer Your Phone During An Argument

Things are getting heated. There’s lots of shouting happening, mugs are being thrown and all you want to do is forget about the whole thing and watch the football even though you know it has to be resolved first.

Your phone rings mid-argument. It’s your best mate, Dave.

You know it’s definitely not the best time to answer and that it will only lead to another argument….. But you answer it anyway. All Dave does is shout “wanker” down the phone at you and hang up. You’ll never hear the end of that one now.

7. Pee On The Toilet Seat

Sure, the whole “leaving the toilet seat up” thing is frustrating for women, but they’ll generally get over it….. Most of the time.

If you really want to be a terrible boyfriend you need to be really lazy and pee on the seat. That’s the worst. All it takes is for you to bend over slightly and lift the seat up. But, no – you decide to take your chances with your Robin Hood-esque aim and fire away. You miss. Badly.

8. Not Possess the Ability to Read Minds

“I can’t believe you don’t know what you did wrong.”

Classic. She could just TELL YOU what you did wrong as so you could resolve the issue and move on. But no, because of your inability to read minds you’re in even more trouble. You really should know better.

9. Video Games

You can never just play for 30 minutes to wind down after work. She doesn’t get your obsession…. Nor does she understand why you’re still playing them at 28 years old let alone your insistence on pausing a game whilst you go out for a romantic dinner.

Honourable mentions:

Lying, cheating and stealing…… But there really is no excuse for those.


STOP! If you laughed you should share (via FB and Twitter)! Thanks for reading as always, Jordi.




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