So, you’ve been dumped. But that’s ok, things aren’t that bad. They can turn around really quickly and you’ll be back together before you know it.
You’re deluded and just need someone to spell it out to you. Here are 8 post break up delusions you are probably going through right now or have experienced in the past. Laugh now and thank me later.
1. You’ll Still Be Friends.
Arguably the biggest delusion of them all. They’re about as excited to be your friend as you are to be standing behind an old woman who forgot to top up her Oyster Card during rush hour.
2. They’ll Be Celibate For the Rest of Their Lives.
Ha! Of course they will – because you were such a sextathlete that any sexual encounter they experience after you will be such a let down – so why should they bother? Ha!
3. Putting All Of Those Great Memories In A Box Gives You A Huge Amount Of Closure and Satisfaction.
It doesn’t. You will barely be able to see what those memories actually are through all of the tears as you listen to “Nothing Compares 2 U” by Sinead O’Connor whilst packing it.
4. They’re Going To Realise They Made a Huge Mistake.
No, they’re not. The only mistake they think they’ve made was probably the fact that they stayed with you as long as they did. Sorry.
5. Those “Hugs and Kisses” They Send You at the End of Texts and Emails Still Carry Some Sort of Emotional Tie.
Nope, they don’t. It’s the same as your mum saying “xx oo” at the end of your last birthday card. Yep.
6. Drinking Helps.
Oh, wait. Drinking does help. Drinking helps a lot.
7. Showering Them With Abuse Will Make Them Want You Back Even More.
A classic – nothing lets them know how much you love them more than calling them a prick or a whore. They’ll definitely come crawling back now.
8. There’ll Be a Fairytale Ending.
What do you expect? Maybe for them to stop you boarding a plane or train just as you’re about to board? Or perhaps for them to barge the church doors open at your wedding just as the priest reads, “speak now or forever hold your peace”? Yeah, don’t count on it.
STOP: Finished laughing yet? Don’t forget to share this post below on Facebook and Twitter. Thanks, Jordi.