Thirty Something London

5 Characters From 90’s Movies You Just Wanted To Punch In The Face.

Growing up as a teenager in the 90’s I watched an absolute plethora of videos. Some good. Some bad. And some that have well and truly disappeared from my memory.

For me it was all about the characters. Not just connecting with those that were played outstandingly well, but also with those who made me squirm uncomfortably in my beanbag wanting to reach for the remote. Here are 5 of the latter from 90’s movies that I would have gladly punched in the face.

5. Kevin Macalister, Home Alone (Macaulay Culkin)

Culkin at his most iconic.

Culkin at his most iconic.

Any kid who would have been confronted by burglars whilst their parents had forgotten about them when going on holiday would have repetatively shat their pants. Not Macalister, as he demonstrated in “Home Alone” and the brilliant sequel, “Home Alone 2 – Lost In New York”. Instead of hiding and just letting the burglars rob the house whilst assuring his own safety, young Kevin sets up a number of booby traps that in real life would never have come off. If it wasn’t bad enough that you rolled your eyes throughout the whole thing whilst wondering how Joe Pesci lowered himself to play the role of one of the idiotic burglars (shame on you, Joe Pesci, sham on you), you also had to watch on as young Kevin gives life advice to the creepy old man next door (who naturally turns out to be lovely).

4. Fabienne, Pulp Fiction (Maria de Medeiros)

Mantis eyed Maria de Medeiros

Mantis eyed. Maria de Medeiros

Pulp Fiction oozed cool. A killer soundtrack, an iconic director and a cast with more talent than the Dutch women’s Olympic hockey team – it is easy to see why the movie shaped a generation. As much as I love the movie, there’s one thing that stands out in my mind as being equally as iritating as a bad case of the crabs. Fabienne, Butch’s (Bruce Willis) love interest  had nothing going for her. A voice that was on par with scratching your nails up and down a blackboard, eyes like a mantis and dialogue that just made you want to give her a straight right hook. Did Imention she was French? Her uneasy line about wanting blueberry pancakes and eggs “over easy” doesn’t even compare with her drivelling on about wanting a pot belly. Kill me now.

3. Carrie, Four Weddings And A Funeral (Andie MacDowell)

Such a great movie, such a bad casting choice. This character could have been a lot better had it not been down to Andie MacDowell’s inferior acting skills, either way “Carrie” deserved to be slapped like a red-headed stepchild. As Will (played by Hugh Grant) obsesses over the very lifeless Carrie, we’re supposed to feel some sort of compassion towards them finally getting together. Unfortunately most of us are willing the male lead to forget about her and find somebody with a pulse. Her worst line came at the end when she spits out in the middle of a storm; “Is it raining, I hadn’t noticed”. I rest my case.

Weak as water. MacDowell's performance.

Weak as water. MacDowell’s performance.

2. Skylar, Good Will Hunting (Minnie Driver)

Annoying. Driver

Annoying. Driver

 

I’m no Minnie Driver fan at the best of times, but her display as Will’s girlfriend (played by Matt Damon) in “Good Will Hunting” made me want to give her an upper cut that Ken from “Street Fighter 2” would have been proud of. The most annoying moment for me was her blubbering on the phone whilst confessing her love to Will. About as cutting edge as a pair of plastic children’s training scissors.

1. Gloria, White Men Can’t Jump (Rosie Perez)

Take a bow, Rosie Perez. I don’t think there was a moment that passed throughout the movie where I didn’t either kill her or kill myself. One of us had to go. Playing the girlfriend of Billy (Woody Harrelson), Perez’s Gloria managed to combine a mixture of a horrible nasal voice with dialogue that would arguably never leave even the most annoying person’s lips. If she wasn’t yelling at Billy telling him how stupid he was, she was learning all about “foods that start with the letter Q” with the idea of one day becoming a contestant on the famous American gameshow, “Jeopardy”.

Nasal. Perez.

Nasal. Perez.


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